There are two types of exes. The one who took you to the drive-in to see a scary movie when you said you would see anything but a scary movie. The one you really didn’t think you wanted to sleep with, but you did because she remembered your birthday, took you to your favorite Mexican restaurant and wore that black blouse cut just low enough to slightly expose a mole that reminded you of your sophomore year crush on Cindy Adams. The one you would never want your parents to meet because if they did, you would have to start answering questions you’ve successfully dodged so far. The one you just can’t force yourself to fall for no matter what, but you like feeling XYZ for now, so you decide to see what happens even though you already know what’s going to happen.
Then, there’s the one who got away. The one you fell for truly, madly, deeply. The one you learned to cook for because you wanted every meal to taste as good as she made you feel. The one your friends could see coming from a mile away. The one who took your heart and smashed it to pieces with a hammer made of stone where his heart used to be because no one with a heart could possibly do to you what he did to you. The one who cheated, the one who lied, the one who hit you, the one who couldn’t cry, the one who couldn’t commit, the one who drank too much, the one who made you feel like you losing your mind.
There’s a point in time during a breakup when your ego takes over to do the dirty work of healing and surviving the heart can’t bear to do just yet. When every single thing that ever bothered you flashes through your mind as a sign of why you shouldn’t have given your heart away in the first place. That gap in her teeth that made her look witchy in a way you should have noticed before. Or the way he just stood there with his leg cocked to one side at your friend’s wedding reception refusing to dance when the DJ played David Bowie. Don’t forget the time he rolled his eyes when you were talking about the adorable thing your mom said on the phone. And how could she not like any animals? That must be a sign that something is seriously wrong with her.
This stage can bring out the worst in recently separated couples because the dynamic of the relationship shifts from love to power struggle. And nothing kills feelings of love faster than the race to make the other person feel as bad or worse than you do right now. While you may not have been the one to initiate the breakup, it’s important to remember how important it is to not say something you’ll regret later because he might be out of your life, but you’ll have to live with the memory of screaming, “Your dumb facial hair experiment makes you look like Felix the Cat and I always hated your chicken piccata!” There are just some things better left to the privacy of your own mind where you are free to fantasize all of the things you wish you could say. And if that’s the place where you find yourself right now, I hope this music video by my hilariously talented friend, Mike Polk Jr., will bring you a little bit of comfort to ease the pain.
then , there is the third kind of ex. May none of you ever know that .