When I finally take a moment to listen
To the bump, bump, bump in my chest
There is a question louder than expected,
Where have you been?
In my head, I reply.
Refining my ability to be ambivalent.
I read more about people like Angelina Jolie
Than I know about the war in Iraq.
I am more interested in the antics of the Kardashian clan
Than what’s happening to my own family.
This is what my heart says when I chose to listen.
I don’t want to see the places where I am stuck.
Encouraged to be deaf, dumb and blind,
In order to be a version of a woman
I think a man will want to love.
So I tune out and my life slides by
To a paycheck of fear and unresolvable stress.
Where I do not hesitate to cross the street
If I see someone I don’t like for no reason at all
Heading in my direction.
Relying on Facebook’s easy friendships
Living on the surface of my overly-surfaced life.
I promote any random thought as if it were significant.
Because I feel so insignificant unless I’m on television.
Then I must matter.
I can be counted for something by someone
Because surely someone is counting on me.
This is what my heart sees
When I open up my oblivious, disillusioned eyes.
But the moment I open my heart
The initial rush pours out like a waterfall
Dropping me faster than I am prepared to swim.
My heart longs to be free
Of the part I refer to as me
The fear, the need, the malevolent greed
I have almost drowned here before.
So, I jump.
To see the me that longs to be.
Where I am free of everything I know I am not
So I can be everything I know I already am.