I Am Livid After Googling You

Before typing your name in the search bar,
I imagined you Bukowski.
Dark struggle writing in a stupor.
Facebook reveals a gray-haired suburbanite
blowing bubbles with your daughter.

I am a lobster shell cracked open and empty.
The memory of your handprints on my neck.
Hands that I once loved.

You are smiling on the Golden Gate bridge
with your arms around your son.
And I am livid.

I could forgive the shadowed version of you.
But this personal essay real-life yahoo version,
with a wife who looks like me?

You asked me to give up a life,
so you could have yours.
This woman’s work has come undone.

A blue constellation of beings
swirled between us before seeding in fertile ground.
No chance of settling down.

I am your biggest failure.
You are my biggest regret.

Did you know your income is listed
on the first page of search results?
I have invaded your privacy
without your knowledge or approval.

Now, I am a witness to your failings.
Now, I am a fly upon your wall.

If you search my name,
you will find a professional profile, yawn.
You will see pictures, perhaps this poem.

Where you would discover me unplanted.
Unsettling, in words, because I never settled down.

Can you forget this unforgiven version of me? Probably.
Free to never Google
What you do not want to find.

5 thoughts on “I Am Livid After Googling You

Add yours

  1. It takes more courage to move on than those who hurt us can possibly imagine. When I think back to a time when you were just a young girl,I recall you as a strong person; your courage will see you through any challenge.

  2. Marlene,

    I am truly sorry that I hurt you so deeply and have always regretted causing you so much pain. I was young, in a lot of pain and utterly selfish at the time we were together. If I could give back everything I stole from you I’d be at your door tomorrow. I can only wish you the best.


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